The Performer

The Performer

Audre Lorde

I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What do you like most in your partner?

My mind has been discussing this topic for a while now and I thought, ‘why don’t I bring this up in this beautiful house I call my blog?’ Most women in relationships chose to concentrate on their partner’s wrongs. They are comfortable spending their free time discussing their partners, obviously in negative light. What most of us forget is to all the negatives we see in our partners, there are always positives that make our relationships worth fighting for. How many times have you made time to look at the good side of your partner? How many times do you appreciate having her in your life? How often do you say ‘I love you’, not because you have to but because those sacred words are from the core of your heart? This is the time!

Honesty here as usual works for me. I have several friends who bad mouth their partners with their close friends. I don’t understand how you expect them to feel when they get to know that you are doing that. I have always insisted that people should  face their problem head on…have a sitting with her and communicate what does not please you about her. What goes around comes around. Several relationships have crumbled from this ‘inside gossip’. Some situations have been easy to mend and start all over again but sadly, none has passed the test of time. I may not exactly understand how you feel dear reader, but I would certainly try to understand and be there.

So, what do you like most in her? The way she does her make-up, or is it the way she goes around in clubs kissing her ex girlfriend? Is it her looks that you like most? Those that make you unnoticeable whenever you are out with her and every Claudia, Grace and Charity is hitting on her? Her personality and sense of style? Her love for music or her goth image? Her ability to make your pockets empty while you’re out on a shopping spree? Jeez! Or  is it her magic in bed? Maybe it’s her job and the position she holds at work…or the fact that you’re with her because the one you really want has already been taken. Others are in relationships because they find it entirely difficult to say that they are single and so on and so forth.

You will be surprised because these are some of the responses I got from a majority of women. I must say this did not really get me by surprise. The way women are treating their partners these days is enough to prove that the only reason they are in relationships is for convenience.

I don’t believe in the ‘power of positive thinking’... The power of thinking positively is the biggest load of crap I have had to deal with. It is simply living a hypocritical lie. You see something real, evaluate it, then shift it… changing the way we see real situations, a battle that goes on in the head. I cannot for instance hold on to an abusive relationship of many years by assuming that the abuse is non-existent while I have enough body marks to show for it! If a relationship does not do IT for you then it’s not worth your effort.

Let us evaluate our relationships, let us involve our partners in this process since it is truly worthwhile. Let us know the things they like about us and vice versa. No one is perfect…I am not perfect. I know how far I have come, the challenges I have encountered, the many times I have failed…the many times friends and foes have brought me down. These are lessons I appreciate going through…they have made me wiser in making what I am today.  My relationship is my life. I communicate what I like about my partner…even if God gave me a second chance…a second life, it would still find me with the same person I have chosen to be with. Telling your partner how you really feel about them will set you free, it will develop their trust in you. It will not cost you anything…just try it!

Take care and thank you for your time.


Friday, October 8, 2010

For my late Mama Harriet (Hattie)

October is a special month to me. One thing that comes to mind during this month is BREAST.

October is a sad month too! I lost my mother to breast cancer in September, 2005 a month before this one which goes out to those that lost their lives to breast cancer, those that continue surviving with it and to create awareness to those that have not taken the step to get tested.

 I have mourned and continue to mourn the loss of my mother, the only parent I knew, one that stood by me no matter what, one who denied herself so many things to see the people around her smile. One who represented the stigma faced by single mothers in society who were and still are looked at as whores, husband snatchers and all! One who quietly screamed out the problems violence and marital rape experienced by married women. Losing the ‘best mother in the world’ was not something I looked forward to, at 24!

She was a gentle but firm soul that brought warring families and communities together. She brought us up in a way no parent would. She introduced important subject such as sex and cunt to me while I was a very little girl. She told me to find out what my cunt looked like, she told me all about condoms and men. I never had reason to experiment with men because the 'best teacher in the world' had taught me! She is the reason I have come this far.

She was the voice of strength that resonated within very dark corners of our village, the community. She was a heart where many found solace. She had the right words to say at the very right time they were required! She was a strict parent who found balance in friendliness and standing firm by her word. Punishment befell any of us that went contrary to the required. She did this in a re-affirming way and none of us had reason to develop hatred or feel discriminated.

Mama Harriet is a name that is constantly mentioned in Meru Central District by those she dearly loved..her neighbors…friends of friends…patients…families…enemies!

Watching mama slowly fade away, sponging her face and body every morning of everyday of her life in hospital, watching her fight so hard to stay alive…fight for life…fight to keep breathing and see us through school were memories that I will take to my grave!

Walking on the streets of Nairobi, seeing images of mama ahead of me and hurrying to meet them has become a comfort that she is not really gone…just walking beside, before, above and below me…watching over me…speaking to me! Inspiring me…

The best way I could mourn my Mama’s loss is to remind us to get tested. The fact that you do not engage in sex with men does not mean that you are out of trouble Woman. Most of us smoke, that is one other potential risk, let us go for those pap smear tests. Let us DIY (do it yourself) at home. We will be glad we did it! I love you guys!

Rest in Peace Mama!
Your daughter K8 

Health Guides : Breast Cancer

National Breast Cancer Awareness MonthThis month (October) is about supporting people who are affected and infected by cancer and also to raise awareness about breast cancer, its is important for you to take care of your body/physical health by learning your risks and responsibilities here are a few tips.

Firstly, and most importantly, you need to understand that every change and every lump found in your breasts does not mean you have Breast Cancer, especially as your breasts are growing and changing, they'll have lumps and bumps anyway.

Not wearing a bra or any breast support, may affect the shape of our boobs and may result in you and me having saggy, droopy ones, but the choice is yours. 70% of women wear the wrong bra size. The best advice we can give for choosing a bra is to get one that fits and is made of comfortable fabric. A bra is right next to your skin all day long, make sure you always fit it before you buy, A well-fitting bra is healthy for your breasts as it is comfortable and supportive. It should look good and feel great. An ill-fitting bra is not only uncomfortable but can contribute to a host of other problems such as bad posture, back ache, rashes, soreness, headaches and neck strain.


Feel for any change in your breast tissue, e.g. thickening or hard lump.
Put your right hand behind your head and use the pads of the three middle fingers of your left hand to examine your right breast (use soapy water if in the shower)
Press using light, medium and firm pressure in a circular motion, then follow with an up-and-down pattern and then a wedge pattern
Feel for any changes in your breast, above and below your collarbone and in your armpit area …. Repeat these steps for your left breast

Look for changes in the shape, size or appearance of your breasts e.g. dimpling, rash or puckering of the skin or nipple, nipple discharge or any change from normal. Inspect your breasts in four ways:
Holding arms at side
Holding arms overhead
Pressing hands on hips to tighten chest muscles
bending forward with hands on hips


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Saturday, October 2, 2010

Interesting Legal Friday!

Hello, glad am back! 

My afternoon at work yesterday began with a message I received from a lady (names withheld) from Eldoret. She was married and had two kids. Within about two years of marriage, the husband discovered that his wife was a lesbian (don't ask me whether he had a stethoscope to determine that)! He could not take it so he took off, stayed a while then appeared in the name of coming to take care of the kids….of course because he was not sure that his 'lesbian' wife would (how scathing)! Within few weeks after coming back, he took their kids one day and just disappeared!

The lady came back home to find that neither the husband nor the kids were home. She tried contacting the husband in vain. He finally managed to call much later and told her that the hearing of the case to decide which parent would be the custodian was on the 13th of October this year. He reminded that to ensure that he became the legal custodian of their children, he would cite the fact that she was gay in court.

She was requesting for assistance in getting re-united with her children who she loved dearly. It is then that I embarked in consultation with my boss and discussing with colleagues on the way forward.

I was genuinely touched by this anonymous woman of courage who had finally decided to speak up…How many more women are trapped in these cocoons and can never get out leave alone mention it to anyone?

I called her immediately to find out how she was coping and we talked for while. I sent a text to check up on her several hours later (the mother that I always am). She immediately called to inform me that she would prefer being called to sending sms’s since the ex husband was having them tracked! (What kind of an animal behaved like this?) Why had he instilled so much terror in this young woman that she cannot even talk freely? Zile hasira za kiMeru zikanijia, but what to do? I tried to relax. 

This issue comes up barely a week after discussing issues on child custody by gay parents last Saturday at the KHRC grounds! One of the lawyers mentioned that all we needed was at least one case scenario to set precedence on how this matter could possibly be handled. With a very intelligent lawyer, we can win this case I believe.

I am glad to now inform you my dear  reader that the issue is being taken up by our learned colleagues at the Kenya Human Rights Commission (KHRC) who are doing their best to ensure that our Lady gets represented at the hearing next week!

Have an artistic weekend and take care.
Love K8