The Performer

The Performer

Audre Lorde

I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't.


Friday, August 20, 2010

Woman to Woman: Can You Have an Orgasm from Oral Sex?

By K8 Kamunde

Finally, it’s time for the gay women in Kenya to bring sex discussions to the table. We’ve heard if not read about oral sex, we’ve listened our friends discuss their hilarious experiences over coffee or beer and am sure quite a number of us at least have a rough idea on what oral sex is.

What is oral sex?
Oral sex defines any sexual activity that involves stimulating the genitals of one’s partner. This can be done using the mouth, teeth or tongue.

It would be however good to note that orally stimulating other parts of the body such as licking is not part of oral sex.

Several couples or individuals engage in oral sex as part of foreplay just before lovemaking.  Others do oral sex during or after sexual intercourse. Others do oral sex just for the sake of it (fun).

Oral sex may be practiced by people of all sexual orientations. In heterosexual partners/couples, oral sex is used as a method of contraception. It may also be chosen as an alternative to sexual intercourse most especially in heterosexual couples when a woman is having her menses. 

Oral sexual activities are not necessarily effective methods of preventing Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), although some forms of STI’s are believed to be less easily spread in this way.

As with mutual masturbation and other forms of outer course, many people do not perceive oral sex to be "sex". Oral sex is preferred by many as an option to enjoying sex without necessarily having to lose their virginity. Different people have divergent views on oral sex. We should respect that and not criticize them for not having an interest in it or not being experienced enough/shy.

I have been talking to some friends and colleagues and just out of the blue a question popped out of my mouth!  "Can you reach an orgasm during oral sex?"

They stopped their chitty chat and blankly stared at me, mouths agape! Well, in a way likely to suggest that I shouldn’t utter leave alone talk about such issues in public! It was not like me to introduce such a discussion. I was also caught in surprise because I never saw it coming either.  It wasn’t an easy one and I knew I was bound to get all kinds of reactions ranging from the “I don’t knows” to “What the f***” and many others.

Some substantial numbers of people find oral sex simply disgusting and wouldn’t even think about it!

For women who see other women, responses are different and vary from one woman to another. There are those that would not allow their partners for instance to go down on them and stimulate them using their tongues for fear that they have a bad odor that may turn their partners off (even if they are not smelly). Some may let their partners go down on them but will remain uncomfortable (tense) throughout the period and therefore not get to enjoy what was once a thoroughly exciting moment! The warmth and pleasure of having another woman’s tongue on their clitoris flies out the window. I wonder if such women could consider trying doing it in the bathroom while showering because that would probably take the “dirty/smelly feeling away”.

How clean are we when or before engaging in oral sex? Do we just leave work and on getting home just dash to bed simply because we had a long day and that means our bodies are greasy and dirty?

If a woman values her partner and is concerned on their health and well being should ensure that she keeps clean if they plan to engage in oral sex.  You could for instance consider taking a shower while cuddling and gently touching each other in the process of getting yourselves clean. Do not let your partner begin oral sex immediately you get to the bathroom because there are chances that one may not be clean. Touching each other allows both partners to get wet, well enough and stimulate the clitoris to action. For those who cannot hold their sexual steam. A woman’s natural scent is part of the turn-on. If you don’t know what your own body smells like when aroused, then find out. Bathe before bedtime and then explore yourself.

Oral sex is one of the many ways that women achieve orgasm. I once read in a book that if you get the sensation to urinate as you are climaxing, that you should hold off from stopping your lover as it may lead to multiple orgasms…and trust me it does!

Below are some of the answers I got on asking the question about oral sex experiences and thoughts:
 “I have always lived my life with one rule; never be cocky about how good you are in bed – All I will say is that I have never had any bad moments”.

 “I like to put the effort in as I know how good it can feel”.
“If I couldn’t climax from oral sex I would be finished sexually…..God!  I don’t even want to think about it!”
One of my friends made me laugh by adding that oral sex was a “Yes, yes!” It was great experience according to them; otherwise they would not keep visiting down there! I found this so hilarious and could not stop cackling with laughter.

Women are known to be very sensual with each other as opposed to a man-woman situation…I would only wish that we would learn to relax and have it as we should. At first, I found it difficult to part my feet and pave way for a woman’s head to go under me. Trust me I haven’t engaged in oral sex one too many times. It’s just once but by the time I was done I had learnt so much, maybe am a good student. I travelled from being tense and all too squeaky and worrying that I was smelly to totally relaxing and letting the juices flow as I groaned in pleasure! Most women that try oral sex for the first time always have something exciting to talk about while they never get to stop doing it, it becomes a couple’s favorite, only with communication and lots of understanding during the process.  The success of oral sex also has a lot to do with who one is having it with.

They could have an idea or just trying for the first time. It is advisable that you lead them to what feels good for you. Let them know what does not feel pleasurable to avoid flattering them and making “nicey” looking face in bed while in fact you are writhing in pain instead. A woman’s vulva would make one achieve multiple orgasms if handled right. The orgasms women get from oral sex are mind blowing! Some of my colleagues even made me bet that I would achieve the same if I only tried.

There are women that have never achieved orgasm from oral sex by men but achieve it with their fellow women. It had a lot to do with how we handle each other in bed. I asked a neighbor the same question and the only word that left her mouth beside saliva dripping from the side of her mouth was “Incredible”. I was only left to imagine what came with that expression! They must have had a crazy orgasm she’d rather not even begin to describe. 

There are those that complain about getting tired of wagging their tongues in their partner’s insides. You only need to note that you are not riding bicycles so you have to relax and take your time otherwise you will get worn out before your turn comes.  There are partners that allow their partners to go down on them but do not want to enjoy the same themselves. There is no fault in this unless both are in agreement and understand one another better.  For those that try oral sex for the first time, there are women that take a bit longer achieving orgasm. The other partner needs to practice patience when dealing with those kinds otherwise you will get tired and the minute you relax then your partner that was almost climaxing no longer gets to enjoy it!


Thursday, August 12, 2010

WORD HAS IT: Sloppy kissers on the loose!

Have you ever tried kissing someone and what you get in return is a tongue full of saliva slogging through your lips and into your tongue? Nausea sets in and the next thing you want to do is rush to the bathroom and squeeze out the full Herbal Colgate bar on your toothbrush and cleanse that mouth!

 I have fallen a victim to this predicament and I must admit it was not “fresh cream cake” on my table. At first, my eyes were full of tears, I felt like disappearing to an unknown destination. How on mother earth would someone decide that my God given saliva is not enough for me and instead paste their smelly substance on my mouth? What defines kissing to you? Saliva tongued Blueband? Nkkkt! Of course not!

I swore that next time someone would try this on me, I’d first let them know how awful that was before chucking their nameless selves from my list of potential partners! It’s the most disgusting experience one could ever go through. Maybe there are those that like those kind of kissers. Heavens! I could introduce you to a few that have truly perfected their art for your ‘once in a lifetime experience’.???

Truth is, for me, it’s OUT and OUT. Communication is important. If you kiss me that way and I prefer not to tell you that I do not like it, then am not helping myself neither am I helping you! I’m being hypocritical. I will call a spade a spade and not a big spoon!

 We have opted not to talk about these issues for a long time while they remain challenges and at times major stumbling blocks in our relationships. For being blunt, I will be unapologetic pardon –– someone has to say some of the unpleasant stuff.

Let your partner know what your expectations are when you kiss. It may seem a little useless ‘thing’ to talk about, but it counts. That is what communication is all about, right?  Let’s not discuss politics, history, environment, religion and domestic issues (who is doing shopping next week) and think we’re set before discussing the very minute but intimate details of the sexual.

And, this is not a dress down on anybody, just an honest opinion.
If you’ll have to show someone how to kiss you then DO IT! At the end of the day, you will be glad you did. That’s what partners are there for, right?

Kissing is a two way party: You kiss and you’re kissed back. Kissing is a give and take. This could either happen at once or you could agree that your are first kissed then when you’ve had enough you kiss back (depends on what works for both of you). One can easily tell your personality through your kissing. If you’re the kind of person who only wants to be kissed and never want to kiss back then you are a naturally selfish individual!

On the other hand, there are those that can be kissed but do not know how to kiss back. We cannot teach them by gossiping their lousy kissing habits with our friends and foes over beer at the club or in the confines of our houses! Don’t act a‘know it all’ when you’re not even keen on helping a sistah address such an issue. A lil’ honest encouragement (you can certainly do better) works in boosting their confidence, but it doesn’t help. Note: DOES NOT!!!

Am not telling you to go testing your lips on all the women and teach those that are sloppy kissers how to play better. If you have a partner and both of you are satisfied with the ‘delivery of kissing services’ (ha haha) then you’re set.

 I’m talking about YOU, that has a partner who’s a lousy kisser and instead of helping/showing them how to do it better, you go out and start cheating on them by getting women that can kiss you better! You are running away from a problem NOT addressing it! That is what I’m politely defining as foolishness! Rome was not built in a day, I’m sure with a lil’ patience then you will get to enjoy those kissing episodes within a short time!

Is it true that most pretty women are terrible kissers? I will be talking to several of my sweet picnic girls so watch out for this in the next piece. Thank you for making time to read this honest s***!