The Performer

The Performer

Audre Lorde

I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't.


Friday, August 20, 2010

Woman to Woman: Can You Have an Orgasm from Oral Sex?

By K8 Kamunde

Finally, it’s time for the gay women in Kenya to bring sex discussions to the table. We’ve heard if not read about oral sex, we’ve listened our friends discuss their hilarious experiences over coffee or beer and am sure quite a number of us at least have a rough idea on what oral sex is.

What is oral sex?
Oral sex defines any sexual activity that involves stimulating the genitals of one’s partner. This can be done using the mouth, teeth or tongue.

It would be however good to note that orally stimulating other parts of the body such as licking is not part of oral sex.

Several couples or individuals engage in oral sex as part of foreplay just before lovemaking.  Others do oral sex during or after sexual intercourse. Others do oral sex just for the sake of it (fun).

Oral sex may be practiced by people of all sexual orientations. In heterosexual partners/couples, oral sex is used as a method of contraception. It may also be chosen as an alternative to sexual intercourse most especially in heterosexual couples when a woman is having her menses. 

Oral sexual activities are not necessarily effective methods of preventing Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), although some forms of STI’s are believed to be less easily spread in this way.

As with mutual masturbation and other forms of outer course, many people do not perceive oral sex to be "sex". Oral sex is preferred by many as an option to enjoying sex without necessarily having to lose their virginity. Different people have divergent views on oral sex. We should respect that and not criticize them for not having an interest in it or not being experienced enough/shy.

I have been talking to some friends and colleagues and just out of the blue a question popped out of my mouth!  "Can you reach an orgasm during oral sex?"

They stopped their chitty chat and blankly stared at me, mouths agape! Well, in a way likely to suggest that I shouldn’t utter leave alone talk about such issues in public! It was not like me to introduce such a discussion. I was also caught in surprise because I never saw it coming either.  It wasn’t an easy one and I knew I was bound to get all kinds of reactions ranging from the “I don’t knows” to “What the f***” and many others.

Some substantial numbers of people find oral sex simply disgusting and wouldn’t even think about it!

For women who see other women, responses are different and vary from one woman to another. There are those that would not allow their partners for instance to go down on them and stimulate them using their tongues for fear that they have a bad odor that may turn their partners off (even if they are not smelly). Some may let their partners go down on them but will remain uncomfortable (tense) throughout the period and therefore not get to enjoy what was once a thoroughly exciting moment! The warmth and pleasure of having another woman’s tongue on their clitoris flies out the window. I wonder if such women could consider trying doing it in the bathroom while showering because that would probably take the “dirty/smelly feeling away”.

How clean are we when or before engaging in oral sex? Do we just leave work and on getting home just dash to bed simply because we had a long day and that means our bodies are greasy and dirty?

If a woman values her partner and is concerned on their health and well being should ensure that she keeps clean if they plan to engage in oral sex.  You could for instance consider taking a shower while cuddling and gently touching each other in the process of getting yourselves clean. Do not let your partner begin oral sex immediately you get to the bathroom because there are chances that one may not be clean. Touching each other allows both partners to get wet, well enough and stimulate the clitoris to action. For those who cannot hold their sexual steam. A woman’s natural scent is part of the turn-on. If you don’t know what your own body smells like when aroused, then find out. Bathe before bedtime and then explore yourself.

Oral sex is one of the many ways that women achieve orgasm. I once read in a book that if you get the sensation to urinate as you are climaxing, that you should hold off from stopping your lover as it may lead to multiple orgasms…and trust me it does!

Below are some of the answers I got on asking the question about oral sex experiences and thoughts:
 “I have always lived my life with one rule; never be cocky about how good you are in bed – All I will say is that I have never had any bad moments”.

 “I like to put the effort in as I know how good it can feel”.
“If I couldn’t climax from oral sex I would be finished sexually…..God!  I don’t even want to think about it!”
One of my friends made me laugh by adding that oral sex was a “Yes, yes!” It was great experience according to them; otherwise they would not keep visiting down there! I found this so hilarious and could not stop cackling with laughter.

Women are known to be very sensual with each other as opposed to a man-woman situation…I would only wish that we would learn to relax and have it as we should. At first, I found it difficult to part my feet and pave way for a woman’s head to go under me. Trust me I haven’t engaged in oral sex one too many times. It’s just once but by the time I was done I had learnt so much, maybe am a good student. I travelled from being tense and all too squeaky and worrying that I was smelly to totally relaxing and letting the juices flow as I groaned in pleasure! Most women that try oral sex for the first time always have something exciting to talk about while they never get to stop doing it, it becomes a couple’s favorite, only with communication and lots of understanding during the process.  The success of oral sex also has a lot to do with who one is having it with.

They could have an idea or just trying for the first time. It is advisable that you lead them to what feels good for you. Let them know what does not feel pleasurable to avoid flattering them and making “nicey” looking face in bed while in fact you are writhing in pain instead. A woman’s vulva would make one achieve multiple orgasms if handled right. The orgasms women get from oral sex are mind blowing! Some of my colleagues even made me bet that I would achieve the same if I only tried.

There are women that have never achieved orgasm from oral sex by men but achieve it with their fellow women. It had a lot to do with how we handle each other in bed. I asked a neighbor the same question and the only word that left her mouth beside saliva dripping from the side of her mouth was “Incredible”. I was only left to imagine what came with that expression! They must have had a crazy orgasm she’d rather not even begin to describe. 

There are those that complain about getting tired of wagging their tongues in their partner’s insides. You only need to note that you are not riding bicycles so you have to relax and take your time otherwise you will get worn out before your turn comes.  There are partners that allow their partners to go down on them but do not want to enjoy the same themselves. There is no fault in this unless both are in agreement and understand one another better.  For those that try oral sex for the first time, there are women that take a bit longer achieving orgasm. The other partner needs to practice patience when dealing with those kinds otherwise you will get tired and the minute you relax then your partner that was almost climaxing no longer gets to enjoy it!



  1. Hallo K8
    Sometimes i do not understand why i have to be the sad one, the one who is alone,the one who is in love yet cant approach the one my heart aches for!6 years ago i thought that being young and earning a salo enough to feed the entire China was enough. now here i am earning it but do not have the guts to be free and re berated in the streets of Nairobi. I mean i wanna that GAY N' AWAY sought of life style full of fun.

  2. Hi Sharon,

    Only we dictate our feelings. We choose to be what we live and become. I hope you haven't chosen to be sad all your life Honey! I have learnt to trust my instincts and go for even what I am not likely to get!

    Its a better way to live because in the end, you will be glad you even tried, huh! There are alternatives to everything and it is within our power to identify then grab it. Open your eye Baby, it's right before your very eyes!

    Don't be shy, sawa?

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  4. Hallo K8 !
    Well thanks for the kind words of encouragement.K8 honey,am not shy-for real-am just scared of being turned down or called bad names.You and i know how Kenyan Mamas react(Especially anti-gay ones.)
    On a brighter side, tell me something do they say FEELING IS MUTUAL or FEELINGS ARE MUTUAL? well,the thing is i was on leave the whole of last week and reported back today and a friend of mine told me that he sought of easy dropped on her conversation with her friend at the cafeteria during lunch hour,oh--we work in the same building--and she was telling her friend,and i quote,''Am disturbed,haven't seen the Advocate from 7th floor'' her friend asked why she was disturbed n she said ''am happy every time i see her though she never talks to me don't think she would even talk to a mere accountant like me''.That's it K8,SHE LIKES ME! my friend couldn't wait to tell me.Problem is i cant say a word when shes around its like i completely go mute.What do i do K8?

  5. Sharon,
    Thank you. Never say you cannot if you haven't tried Honey! Trying involves tasting the honey and swallowing all the bitterness from a broken relationship, you know?
    Well, I would want to give you so many options, but listen to your heart. Would you wait to be approached ama you would rather do-it-yourself(diy)? You may wait and it never may go for it and manage to whisk it away...all for yourself.
    All I know is there with the muteness when she's around...its clear that there is some connection...some chemistry going on, gladly both of you cannot deny it. Maybe she feels the same when you are around! The only way to know is by approaching her. She will not view you as cheap. Do you have the guts? Think about it and I wish you well my dear!

    Love you

  6. Thanks K8ty.
    Amma be a STRONG mama and do this,u know what,Juz coz i cann't stand fish doesn't mean i can not swallow sushi on one fine day! If u know what i mean. Have a lovely weekend.
    LUV U!!!!!!!!!!!